F O R T I R E D M I N D S ! ! !
"Were there any new orders while I was out?" a shop manager asked his
new assistant.
"Only one," she replied. "Two men ordered me to put up my hands while
they took the cash register."
A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in
the passing lane?"
"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the
engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires
from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
A man sits next to another on a plane, and introduces himself, "My
name is Bond, James Bond."
The other replies, "My name is Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme,
Jean Claude Van Damme."
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his
coffee.
"This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other
patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned
shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
Uncle Billie went to the 'Restaurant de Bergerac' for a quick supper.
Beckoning the waiter, he asks "Do you have frog's legs?"
"Oui, Monsieur."
"Well, then go, leap and fetch me a beef steak."
Aunt Billie, a stewardess on a local airline, was giving the standard
safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In
the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a
flotation device,'
When a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I
believe the seat can float?"
Aunt Billie and Uncle Bob were having a rare heart-to-heart talk.
"What do you consider your worst vice?" Aunt Billie asked.
"I don't like to admit it," Uncle Bob said, "but my worst vice is
vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my
face."
"I wouldn't worry about it," Aunt Billie said. "That isn't vanity.
It's imagination."
A man with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and
the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally
picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to
your other ear?"
"The sonofabitch called back."
Farmer: "I had to slaughter all my cattle."
Reporter: "Were they mad?"
Farmer: "Well, they weren't too pleased!"
A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding
of a lion behind him.
"Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion
walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which
we are about to receive."
What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply, "And what's the idea of calling me at home
in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian replied. "Why do you want to
get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get
out."
An antique dealer was carrying a very valuable and rare grandfather's
clock toward his client's house when a drunk lurched into him and
knocked the clock to the ground.
The dealer was furious and screamed, "Look what you've done to my
clock."
The drunk peered at the ruins on the ground, turned to the dealer, and
said, "Why can't you wear a watch like everyone else?"
Coach Jones called the young lad in from centre field during a Little
League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "You know the principles of good
sportsmanship at Little League games. You also know we don't tolerate
temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do you
understand?"
"Yes sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "Would you please try to
explain it to your mother?"
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