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A group of compy guys walked into a bar. The first one said, "Line up a
row of drinks for me and my friends. The bartender did just that. When
they got their drinks the JEE AIR 1 toasted to 51 days. All the
guys replied, "To 51 days!" and drank their drinks. Once again the
JEE AIR 1 asked for another round of drinks. "To 51 days", they all
said and drank their drinks. "I don't get it" the bartender said "What
is so special about 51 days?" The JEE AIR 2 replied "We bought a
puzzle that said 2-4 years but we finished it in 51 days."
NOTE : JEE = Joint Entrance Examination to the Indian Institute of
Technology
AIR = All India Rank in the above
-
Q. If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building at the same time,
who will hit the ground first?
A. The brunette, the blonde will stop to ask directions.
-
A man was robbing a house. As he was standing in the living room, he
heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He turned and looked, but
there wasn't anyone there. He heard the voice again, "Jesus is
watching you." This time he noticed a parrot in the corner. He said,
"Hey, was that you?" the parrot replied, "Yes, it was." Then the
amazed thief asked, "What is your name?" The parrot replied,
"Chester." "Chester!", the thief retorted, "What fool named you
Chester?" The parrot answered, "The same fool that named that
Doberman behind you, Jesus!"
-
A beautiful woman boarded a jet and took a seat in the first class
section. The flight attendant checked her ticket and said "You're in
the wrong section. This ticket is for coach. You'll have to move." The
woman replied, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Miami."
The attendant called for the captain who checked her ticket and also
told her she had to move and again she replied,"I'm blond, I'm
beautiful and I'm going to Miami."
After some thought, the captain whispered into her ear and the woman
got up and moved back to coach.
"Captain, what did you say to get her to move?" asked the flight
attendant. Captain replied, "I told her that the first class section
doesn't land in Miami."
-
Sajeesh, Vyas and Agni were stuck on an island. A fairy came
and said:"Since I am a kind fairy, I will give you each a wish."
Sajeesh said:"I want to go home."So the fairy sent the first man
Vyas said:"I want to go home, too."So the fairy sent him
home. Agni said:"I'm all alone!I want them to come back!!"
-
There were 5 people on a plane including the pilot. Michael Jordan,
Bill Gates, a hippie and a priest. All of a sudden the engines went
out. The pilot came out and said, "I've got good news and bad news.
The good news is we've got parachutes. The bad news is we've only got
four."
Then the pilot jumped out saying, "They'll need pilots in the
future."
Michael Jordan said "They'll need athletes in the future." And he
jumped out, too.
Then Bill Gates said "I'm the smartest man in the world." So he jumped
out.
The Hippie and the priest were the only ones left. The priest said,
"Well, son, I've lived a long fullfiling life. You can have the
parachute." The Hippie answered, "Don't worry about it, father. The
smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
-
How do you make Holy water?
Take a jar, fill it with water, and shake the hell out of it.
NOTE : No harm intended, nor any insult meant. Just a joke. Please take on
face value only.
----------UDas
-
One day I was talking to Ankit, and he said, "Yep, I'm color blind
to one color."
Then I asked him what color was he color blind to, and
he said, "I don't no. I haven't seen it yet."
-
Partha lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a
movie theatre. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over
and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't
you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"
Partha looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
-
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the
$100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was
so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was
delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the
Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted 95%.
Love,
Tommy
- MIA
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to
report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair,
an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to
the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
- The Commander In Chief
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas.
On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the
car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once
Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their
way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around
Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would
be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smiled and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be
President of the United States."
- Flat Tyre
Two students were up visiting friends and they partied really hard
over the weekend and by Sunday they were so hung-over that they could
not make the drive back. They both had a biochemistry test on Monday
that they missed.
They called their teacher when they got back into town on Monday and
told him that they had gotten a flat tire up north. The teacher
responded very calmly and told the students to simply come in and take
the test on Tuesday. The students were very happy with the
understanding professor.
When the boys came into class on Tuesday, to take the test the teacher
had put the boys in separate rooms just so they would not cheat. The
teacher trusted the boys, but he did not want them to have any
temptations. The boys were fine with this... they knew their
material.
The first page had a difficult chemistry problem on it but both boys
figured the problem out. The boys turned to the second page and the
question said........"Which Tyre?"
-
Sayantan Bose decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Bose.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the
lawyer.
Bose responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Gopi into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'".
Bose said, "Well, I had just got Gopi into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the hawaldar Mishra on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Bose's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Bose thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had
just loaded Gopi into the trailer and was driving him down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Gopi was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ol' Gopi moaning and groaning. I
knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans.
Shortly after the accident hawaldar Sirish Mishra came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After
he looked at him he took out his rifle and shot him between the eyes.
Then the hawaldar came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
him."
"So....,How are you feeling"
-
In one of his previous births, Bhatia was a Polish border-guard
stationed near the Polish-German border. After the war, when Bhatia was
questioned by the British as to how the Germans managed to cross his
border-post during the invasion of Poland, he replied,
" the nazis duped me !! , they marched in backwards and told me
they were leaving "
- Creation
One evening at the bar, three friends are chatting about their
respective professions. They were a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer.
After some drinking and many 'war stories', the group began arguing
over which of their professions was first.
The doctor argued, "In the very beginning, Genesis chapter 1, God took
a rib from Adam and created Eve. God was a surgeon so doctors were the
first profession."
The engineer agreed saying, "Yes your are right about God being a
surgeon. Before that however, God created the Earth and the Sun, and
the whole Universe out of mere chaos. God was an engineer so engineers
came before doctors."
The lawyer, smiling quietly asked, "Who do you think created the
chaos?"
- Another Golf Joke
Sam was a preacher, but golf was his passion. It had rained every
weekend for a month and he was dying to play a round. Sunday was the
first sunny day in weeks. So he called his head deacon and told him an
emergency had called him away. Church would have to be canceled.
He realized he couldn't play at a local course -- someone might
recognize him -- so he drove two counties away and teed up on a course
he'd never played before.
Meanwhile St. Peter was watching Sam from heaven. He called the angel
on weekend duty and said, "I've got a preacher who canceled church to
play golf. Come here and administer appropriate punishment."
The angel appeared as Sam was teeing off on hole 4, a par 3. The ball
lofted and landed precisely in the hole.
"You gave him a hole-in-one?" Peter asked incredulously. "You call
that punishment?"
"Yes," the angel replied. "Who can he tell?"
- Catholic Mothers
Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons,
each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor,
and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning,
Monsignor.'"
Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him
'Good morning, your Grace.'"
Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him
'Good morning, your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten
inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the
room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
- REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED
Bhatia: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
Bohra: "A little. What's wrong?"
Bhatia: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it
again and the same thing happened."
Bohra: "How did you load the sheet?"
Bhatia: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recepient could open it and read it."
Teacher: "What does the screen say now."
Comp. Sci. student: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Teacher : "Well?"
Comp. Sci. student: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told
him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank
copies.
- Punch Lines
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"How do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die."
- Points to Ponder
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 REPEATEDLY!
If you are co-dependent, press 2 for someone else.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
about to bite off your ear!
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